Lean in close to your screen. Inhale deeply. Does this guide give off a cloyingly sour odor? Then it is likely the genuine article.

Now print this authentication guide. Hold the printed copy to your nose. Inhale deeply. Does this printed copy smell like paper and ink that hasn't fully dried? It is likely a copy.

If this authentication guide contains a badge of authenticity that looks like this, it is likely real:

If this guide contains a badge of inauthenticity that looks like this - located anywhere within the guide - it is likely fake:

Do certain passages of this authentication guide seem poorly word or incomplete? Then it is 100%, absolutely, without a doubt

Purchase a jeweler's lens. Hold this authentication guide up to the light. Inspect it with one eye squinted shut and the other eye peering through the jeweler's lens. Adopt a determined expression. Mumble things like "hmm" and "as I suspected" as you adjust the lens. Is the authentication guide on the surface of an enormous high-quality diamond? If so, it is likely a forgery.

Rub lemon juice across this authentication guide. If it's authentic, no hidden message will be revealed. If it's inauthentic, there might be a hidden message that reads "this is fake". Maybe.

Determine the provenance of this authentication guide by locating the last person who had it in their possession. That would be you. Take a sample of your blood. Send it to the lab. Wait 6-8 weeks for the genetic testing suite to conclude that the blood sample did, in fact, belong to you. This - along with a photograph of yourself holding this guide - is incontrovertible proof that the chain of custody goes back at least as far as you.

Enter a chamber with two identical copies of this authentication guide. One can only speak the truth. One can only lie. You have the ball at the three point line. There are two seconds on the clock.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2018 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.