What up, ding dongs?!
Yeah, that's right, I'm working the campaign beat now for this computer bullshit that pays me worse than being a shampoo eye tester for salon selectives and they paid in cookies and free samples. At least I can put my baby to bed knowing he ate a plate of hydroxs, RIP Kyanka. Sorry I'm just trying to think of how I am going to put my largest son tlorm through the WCW Power Plant. Teaching armbars to an 11 year old with the body of a shaved polar bear does not come cheap.
So I relocated to LAS VEGAS for a couple days to report on some gay (no offense to gays) democratic convention thing. Which was fine by me because I went full Ricky Hollywood mode and earned some side cash as a gigolo. I had my friend Tucker with an inkjet print me up some sex ad cards for full body pleasure and I hired a Mexican guy to hand them out to sexy ladies on the strip. Turns out middle aged women on "spacations" like to get peed on. Never would have guessed and wasilla home ec classes do not prepare you adequately for being a las vegas escort.
Anyway after stacking up crazy paper for wet works and spending it all on a tesla and then crashing the tesla into the pirate ship at treasure island and getting my heart stopped and then restarted by two different tasers I decided to go to the delegant convention thing I was supposed to go to. I guess there was nothing to eat and I was hungry as hell but they were like "there are three bars open" and there were a bunch of guys wearing bernie t-shirts slamming pina coladas and I was like fuck dudes where can an n-word get some calzones???
These dudes were pissed about everything. They were like, "welp levi you look cool as hell in that steve harvey suit and the mirror aviators my man you are a fucking legend sorry though the climpton campaign swiped all the pizzas for themselves and we just have these pina coladas to drink" and I was like whoa whoa whoa this climpton campaign sounds bogus as hell but guess what it's snack time n-words and they were like "please stop calling us that because there was a Black Lives Matters person here earlier and he might kick our asses for racism." I was like well the point is I got snacks.
Turns out I had smuggled that crunchy orange pikachu inside my bodily cavities on the plane to vegas. I think it was a cartel run but I forgot about the buyer and I didn't want a full payload of ass drugs to go to waste.
Now normally I am averts to doing PCP with strangers but I had so much of it and these guys were totally hungry. I was like chew that sherm fellas things are about to get rowdy.
So I got like a hundred bearded 20 year olds wearing bernie shirts to scarf that jank like pepperonis and immediately this one guy named Landon went full hatelock and started breaking colada glasses on his face. He was like "FUCK HER FUCK HER FUCK HER" and carved HITLERY into his arm with a shard of glass. Then he tried to cut off his own face and I was like whoa whoa whoa save it for halloween hellraiser and we managed to wrestle that guy down and tied him up.
So me and this captain guy named Josh and also Paula and David (pronounced DAH-VEED) and some weird guy with blond eyebrows all went over to the comventionsenter. The security guard guy was like hang on yall got red eyes you been drinking too many coladas to come in here. That was the wrong answer because me and the bernie bros put him on the front of a ford focus like mad max style and got Rita this crazy broad from Truckee to drive donuts in the lot with him screaming. That let us get into the comvention where we caught hillary climpton's crew planning some sort of crimes.
"This crazy bitch is changin' the rules! She can't do this! Fascisms!" The bernie bros were all screaming. They were getting really pissed off and biting at people and somebody had a sword that I think they got from their hotel room. It was like a decorative sword but it still fucked up some banners and stuff.
Then the guy with no eyebrows started a fire by the stage and me and Paula started banging reverse doggy style over by where all the empty pizza boxes where. Oh and Josh killed himself with a chair. I don't know how he did it one minute he had it up over his head and the next minute it was like when a cartoon snake swallows an umbrella and then the umbrella opens.
Needless to say I got Paula pregnant but it's cool because she's a laidback sort of lady who was like "this is what my husband is into it's called cuckolding" and turned out her husband is a bernie captain for nebranska or some made up place. I was like oh yeah I think that lactonic motherfucker todd palin said cuckolding to me once when he was video taping me with mrs. palin.
The last time I talked to that fruitloop he tried to inject me with horse testosterone cut with thermometer mercury and I was like "talk about a toxic relationship I am just here to collect my reverse child support for torque." Reverse child support is where daddy gets a taste of the fight money my large ass son is raking in at tough man competitions. I think the palins only even agreed to let him fight because todd got messed up in that snow machine accident and needs to buy a new dick from the chinese black market.
Anyway, the next day after the comvention I protested with bernie bros mostly because I needed to blend in with a group because the cartel had some people looking for me. Oh by the way I found out what democracy looks like and it turns out it's a bunch of white people beating on buckets and yelling into a megaphone.
People say bernie should drop out, but I'll tell you who is not dropping out? This guy. Pointing to myself. I'm not dropping out of my childrens lives and being a dad and shit. That's what matters, not how many grams of schedule uno drugorinos you try to fly down to the border and trade for cop killer bullets.
I guess that's my point of the article. It's all about being a good dad. Trump 2016!
Grimy horror growler Rob Zombie's scariest music videos finally ranked to warn your children.
As your manager, I couldn't help but notice that productivity is a little low this month, and I think we can leverage this zombie situation to strengthen our teamwork skills.
1998: I upload dave.pcx, and change the course of history
Set goals for yourself, and fulfill them. Absurd! Only in video games!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.