This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.
Ah hah! Our spies see all that transpires in the realm of the celebrity. Behold these fresh dispatches!
Dennis RodmanYesterday @ 12pm
Dude! The Worm! I saw him earlier but forgot virtually every relevant detail! In fact it might not have even been him! Still pretty cool, I guess.
Mel GibsonYesterday @ 2pm
Beastly is all I can say. Saw Mel chasing a goose through the park. He chased it into a pond, grabbed it by the neck, and just started biting into the helpless thing. Blood everywhere!
Paris HiltonYesterday @ 4pm
Saw the drama queen get into a spat with SNAKE WARZ director Jaume Collet-Serra. From what I overheard she was mad about a scene where she'd have to make out with a giant snake. Would love to be that snake!
Val KilmerYesterday @ 7pm
Val called about 7pm last night trying to get me to sign up for the Albuquerque Journal, but I told him I got all my news from NPR. He seemed genuinely sad and I had to ask if he was "OK." He just hung up on me.
James FrancoYesterday @ 8pm
Franco's huge head is currently blocking my view of the goddamn sunset. Fuck this guy and fuck his huge head.
Olver Platt & Guys and Dolls CastYesterday @ 10pm
Saw the entire cast and crew of Guys and Dolls getting into a single taxi cab near Broadway. WE LOVE YOU, OLIVER PLATT.
Bob HopeToday @ 2am
Woke up to a strange, ghostly sound. Went into the kitchen and saw a terrifying apparition of Bob Hope warning me to turn off the oven. Sure enough it was on. I have an electric oven, but no sense letting the bill run up.
Zac EfronToday @ 10am
Ran into Efron. Not so tough! Put him in a headlock, then transitioned into a perfect guillotine choke. He was crying and gasping within seconds. Held on for an extra minute just to show him who's boss. Think he peed himself.
Carl WeathersToday @ 11am
Saw Carl in Wal-Mart buying some sensible slacks. I asked him if there was ever going to be a Predator spinoff with his character and he just wept like a baby in my arms. I cradled him for several hours.
Clive OwenToday @ 12pm
Spotted Clive looking hella stately walking down the street with a beautiful kite shield in hand. Literally the perfect fashion accessory. Classic, but still hip and modern. Probably offers good defense, too.
George LopezToday @ 4pm
Sitcom star George Lopez is relaxing on the beach. He's completely naked and sunning himself. Looks good. Everything in the right place. Will try to provide some illustrations later.
Wayne KnightToday @ 7pm
I can't go into detail but I'm seriously inside Wayne Knight's closet right now and he doesn't know it. He's in the room and I think he's about to change clothes. Oh god, if he finds me I'm a goner for sure. I love you, Sandy. Take care of the kids.
This libtard terminator keeps asking for guns that don't exist and I may have to close early out of frustration.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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