Traditional schools waste students' time by telling them things. Nice one, guys. Real subtle. We believe education should take the form of a moist skeletal claw slapping your hand away from a hot stovetop. So what does that mean, exactly?
Every career, no matter how intimidating or complex, really just comes down to knowing three things specific to that job. These three pillars are all a new employee needs to know on their first day, the only three things they need to carry them through their entire career, and the final three things they need to think about as they die on the job in a terrible, inevitable accident.
Don't University prepares students for the real world by telling them everything they should not do or know in the three pillars of their chosen career path. Each lesson anticipates the mistakes pupils are most likely to make, leaving them with the correct answer. We like to call this the Process of Elimineducation. When we say it out loud it makes people frown.
Please enjoy a few sample lessons from some of our most popular courses.
Lesson One: Keeping The Bomb Undetonated
DON'T try to confuse the bomb's timer by shouting out random numbers
DON'T follow the Quick Disarming instructions left for you by the bomber, even if they say "100% Genuine, 100% Trustworthy"
DON'T shake the bomb vigorously to find out if it's powered by a hamster running in a wheel
DON'T blow out the candles on your birthday cake after wishing for the bomb to blow up
Future Lessons: Snipping The Right Wire, Finding The Nearest Garbage Can For Disposal
Lesson One: Getting Super Mad About Topiary
DON'T remind yourself that it's only topiary
DON'T feel self-conscious about your obvious put-on attitude
DON'T stop sneering, frowning, or rolling your eyes
DON'T forget to rip up a picture of topiary as you ask viewers to like and subscribe
Future Lessons: Managing Your First Billion Dollars, What's A Topiary
Lesson One: Finding The Dang Ocean
DON'T pour a bottle of water out in your yard then follow its trail
DON'T buy a map of the Earth without oceans, then highlight the spots that don't quite look right
DON'T ask someone wearing an "I Hate The Ocean Because I Know Nothing About It" shirt for directions
DON'T start at the nearest beach, stand with your back to the water, then go straight forward
Future Lessons: Petting Fish, Holding The Hoop For Sea Lions To Jump Through
Lesson One: Getting On A Horse
DON'T jump completely over the horse, sailing over it like Scrooge McDuck pogo bouncing on his cane
DON'T lay on your back with your legs in the air and plead with the horse to hover over you upside-down
DON'T flop to the ground as if you were boneless, hoping for a random vibration on the ground to fling your body up and onto the horse
DON'T stand in front of the horse and squeeze as hard as you can in an attempt to stretch your legs out real tall
Future Lessons: Tossing Dynamite, Choosing A Topping For The Victory Pizza Party
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
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